Picking Out the Headstone

Monday, August 20, 2018
You always think that death won't bother you and that you will never be involved in the aftermath of death.  Sadly, you are mistaken as it will bother you and you will be involved in some degree.  It is just a part of life, and you really have no choice in the matter.

Six weeks went by before we could even think about getting a headstone ordered for her.  It was just so fresh and painful.  I still felt like I was walking around in some kind of daze and that life wasn't really happening.  That I would wake up and find my grandma waiting for me to bring her a fresh baked berry pie.

I can't find the word to describe all of the feelings that I went through in just six weeks.  A lot of it was hurt and anger.  I would just sob my days away, not wanting to do anything.  I just wanted to stay in bed, but I had a son to take care of, therefore I had to get out of bed.  I didn't have that choice.  I'm glad that I was able to be at home, and not worry about a job.  I do feel blessed with that.  My husband didn't know what to think or feel, he just gave me a lot of hugs.  It is all he really could do.  He couldn't understand what it was like, even though he had lost his grandmother a few years ago.  Everyone grieves differently and everyone handles their grief differently.  For me I was either angry at the world or a sobbing mess.

A couple weeks after my grandma died, my husband planned a surprise trip for us.  I came home from putting flowers on here grave, and he came running out. He started loading the jeep and told me to get last minute things I and our son would need.  I did, but I was nervous and anxious, as I didn't know where we were going and I didn't feel like going anywhere.  Come to find out he had planned a trip to the beach for me.  The ocean is my happy place and it make me feel so much better about life.  He took me to Redondo Beach, California.  It has a special meaning for me, as my grandparents would go there every year for their anniversary, before moving to another state.  I was so emotional as I was standing in the water, feeling the waves lap around my feet.  I must have stood there and cried for a good ten minutes.  We spent time there and when we left that special place I did cry more, though I promised myself I would come back.  I began my healing on that beach, and it will always hold special meaning to me.

On the 23rd of June, my mother and I went to pick out the headstone.  That was so hard to do.  I sat there crying as they lady was drawing it out on her computer. The others didn't want to come down and just told us to pick out a nice one.  So my mom and I picked out this really pretty orange stone, that glitters in the sun.  My little boy picked out the teddy bear that would go on the stone.   She loved teddy bears.  It was really pretty, and I know she would have liked it.

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