Loosing My Grandmother

Monday, April 9, 2018
It has been eleven months since I lost my beloved grandmother.  A days doesn't go by that I don't think of her, miss her and hope that this is all a nightmare that I am trapped in.  I can remember everything so clearly and it plain old sucks. 

May 10th, 2017, I had my last visit with my grandma.  I went up there to see her, we had pizza and talked.  She was excited that I had made a mixed berry pie for her.  Infact it was one of the first things that she had asked about when I got up there.  She was doing okay that day.  I had woken her up from a nap when I arrived.  She ended up taking another nap when I was there.  I can remember watching her sleeping in her chair, thinking that she was dying.  I shook that thought my head, as I figured I was just being paranoid.  After she woke up we continued our visit.  When I left she told me that she would see me on Saturday and was looking forward to a BBQ hamburger that my dad would be making.  I gave her a hug and she told me how much she loved me and my son.  I knew then and there I was never going to see her again, even though she told me that she would see me in a couple of days.  I hoped and prayed that I was wrong.  I can remember getting off of the free way exit for home and I broke down crying. 

When I got up on the 11th, I felt alright.  I was worried about my grandma and was going to call her in a bit.  I taught my son and stated making the cheese pie for our desert that we would be having on Saturday.  I felt no urgency and the thought of calling her was taken from my mind.  My older aunt couldn't get a hold of my grandma, so she called my mom.   After my mom got home from a doctors appointment, she tried to call my grandma and couldn't get an answer.  She told my dad she was going up there and she texted me the same thing.  I told her to keep me posted.  Well hours went by and I didn't hear anything, so I kept on texting my mom, and kept getting more and more worried and upset. 

Finally my mom answered and told me things were not okay.  I asked her if grandma needed to go the hospital and she wrote back that she needed to changed the locks.  It was in that moment that I completely lost it and screamed at God.  I knew my grandma was gone and I was so angry.  Surprisingly I didn't wake up my son or husband.  I just kept sobbing and sobbing.  I hurt so much, I had never felt pain like this.  My actual muscles and bones hurt.  It was a whole new experience for me and I hated it. 

My mom told me that she was on her way home and that she would be at my house in a bit.  I went and sat on my front porch, looking out at the stars, just praying that it wasn't true.  But I knew she was gone, I felt it and sucked so bad.  My mom finally got to my house and I fell into her arms sobbing.  She said that she had found my grandma on the floor and she looked so peaceful and happy.  My mom told me that her eyes were a crystal blue, and that she had been gone for a while.  We figured she must have died within a few minutes of hanging up the phone from my mom's youngest sister.  We talked for a bit and then my mom said she was going to go home. 

I came in and laid in bed.  I didn't really sleep, it was an empty black abyss.  My husbands alarm went off and as he was getting out of bed I told him what happened. Then my son got up and I told him we had to go to my mom's and he was all happy thinking that grandma was going to be there.  We got to my mom's and she told him about grandma and he started to cry.  It broke my heart.  Then the phone calls began, and everyone said they were on their way down.   My mom and I had to go back to my grandma's house to get the funeral papers.  It was a long drive up there, and I felt so empty.  I hated the feeling so bad. 

When we got to my grandma's house I was sobbing.  I walked in the door and she wasn't there in her chair waiting for me.  She wasn't anywhere and the sad part is my little boy asked where she was.  So I had to gently remind him that she wasn't there.  She was in heaven with grandpa.  Of course that got him going and stuff. 

The week that followed my grandma's death was empty.  I really didn't feel anything and when I would sleep it was nothing more than a black abyss.  I wrote a poem that I was reading at her funeral and I designed her funeral program cover.  She loved my photography and I found one of a sunrise over Lake Powell that I had taken the year before.  The day before her funeral, we had to stop off at the funeral home to deliver the balloon  my son and I had gotten for the funeral.  They had already brought my grandma up and asked if we wanted to see her.  My mom said yes, and so I went with her.  The one guy that worked there kept my son occupied by asking him Lego questions.  I fell apart seeing her in that coffin and I was so angry at her that she wasn't breathing.  We didn't stay long and went home. 

The day of the funeral came and it was snowing.  I thought it was very fitting for the day.  We arrived at the funeral home and went to the viewing.  Everyone had brought her Mother's Day cards and put them in her coffin with her and of course some goodies.  I was still upset at her for not waking up and taking a breath.  Just like my grandpa she wouldn't do it.  When it came time for the coffin to be closed it was horrible.  I lost it.  I tried not to watch but I couldn't help it, and hearing that click made me sob so hard.  The click of the coffin just signaled that it had truly happened and now there was no going back.  The funeral was nice and I was able to read my poem.  It was chilly at the graveyard, but we made it through it.  It was a nice funeral and it was very fitting for her.  I know that she is in a better place and that she was finally reunited with my grandpa after 14 years.  It must have been a truly glorious reunion.  Makes me wish that I could have seen it. 




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