The First Halloween

Monday, September 10, 2018
A few months had passed since both my grandma and dad passed away.  The days were up and down, along with the emotions being all over the place.  It was very frustrating at times, as I would just burst out into tears or just get angry for now reason.  My son was the same way, I heard him sometimes crying in his room.  I felt so bad for him and just wanted to take all the pain away for him and make his world whole.  Though sadly I just couldn't do that and it broke my heart.

Halloween came around and it was a sad day.  I always took my son up to my grandma's house for Halloween to trick or treat and for her to see his costume.  He loved it as he got to run into her house yelling, "trick or treat."  This year it didn't happen and it was hard on both of us.  He wanted grandma to see his awesome cost, but sadly that just couldn't happen.

I would then take him over to my parents to go trick or treating, and my dad would always tease him about stealing all of his candy.  He would tell Papa, that he couldn't do that, but if he was a good boy he would give him a piece.  It was so sweet.  I did take him over to see my mom, and he got a little trick or treat.  Yet you could see the sadness on his eyes, that his Papa didn't come tease him about the candy.  It was so quiet, and very sad.

My son did perk up when I took him trick or treating.  He got excited and started running.  Plus he was so happy he got some of his favorite candies. All in all we did manage to get through the first holiday without both of them.  Perhaps next year will be a little easier or it could be a little harder, as we are still in that shocked stage, where things don't feel real.

Dad's Funeral

Monday, September 3, 2018
Getting ready for another funeral just plain sucks.  Especially trying to get a child ready for one that he doesn't want to go to because he just went to one.  I felt bad for him, and I really wish that there was some way that I could take the pain away for him.

We arrived at the funeral home and there were a lot of people already there.  My dad knew a lot of people and has a large family.  Some of these people I haven't seen in a while or I never met them because they life far away.  My dad's ex-wife was there as well, as were my half brother and sister.  My half sister didn't even acknowledge me and she didn't even contact me before the funeral.  Plus I found out later this night that she defriended me on Facebook as well.  I couldn't believe the nerve of her to do that on the day of our dad's funeral.

I was talking to my sister and cousin, when a man walked it.  He freaked me out so much, as he looked so much like my dad.  My mom brought him over and it was my uncle Stan, who was my dad's youngest brother.  I had never met him, and he said it was nice to meet me after all this time.  I told him it was 35 years, and he said it shouldn't have been that long.  Felt kind of bad for him.  My son was  so freaked out as here was this man that looked like his papa, but wasn't his papa.  Stan bent down and told my son how much his papa loved him and how he always talked about his little buddy and the stuff they did.  I thought that was sweet of him to do and I think it helped my little boy out.

The service was nice and I thought it was very fitting.  I didn't write a poem for the funeral, I just couldn't do it.  So I read a quote that I found, along with Psalm 23.  After the service it was time to go up to the cemetery.  That is when things kind of got ugly.  When my dad's ashes were being loaded up into the hearse, my half sister and dad's ex-wife litereally pushed my mom out of the way so they could be there.  My mom should have been there as that was her spot.  I was helping my mom get there, when she was pushed out of the way.  I told them that wasn't there place, and they just stood there looking dumb.

At the cemetery, my sister went over and said something to the ex-wife and half sister.  They were rude to her so my sister called them a bitches.  The Navy had representatives there, and people from the Veterans.  He had a beautiful military solute.  It was the first time I had seen one as my grandpa didn't want one for his time served in the army during World War 2.  I'm glad that we had one for my dad as it was an amazing experience.  When the 21 gun salute was going on, it hit my mom that this was it.  I felt so bad for her, I was staying strong for her and holding my feelings in.  She was crying when the guy from the Navy handed her the folded up flag.

My best friend flew out from back east to be there for the funeral and it made me so happy that she was there.  Though the was horrified at the way my Dad's family were acting, and I was embarrassed that they couldn't keep it together for the funeral.

My uncle Roy told us that we could kiss his behind as he didn't care what we thought or what we wanted.  My half brother took all of the casings from the salute, handing them out to my dads brothers, and making sure my son didn't get one, even though he was promised one.  It was just so sad the way that they were acting, as there was no need for it.  It is sad that family has to act that way, when you are supposed to be pulling together.

After everyone left,  my mom and sister were talking by the car.  While they were talking, I watched them bury my dad's ashes.  I just couldn't look way, no matter how much I wanted to.  It was bothering me that he was being buried, even though I knew he was gone.  It is just something that I really can't describe.