Loosing My Dad

Monday, August 27, 2018
I just couldn't escape death that summer.  It seemed to linger, to remind us that it was still here and that none of us were safe from it.  Just six weeks and one day later, my dad died.  That one was such a shock, as he was so healthy.  My mom and I were picking out the headstone for my grandma, when he died.  Crazy thing is that morning when I saw him, he was doing great.  He said he was having a wonderful day and was feeling so good.

After picking out the headstone my mother and I went shopping.  When we came home, we didn't see my dad anywhere.  My son was going to go look for him out by the back door, when all of a sudden I called out no.  My son stopped and looked at me with a really puzzled look on his face.  So we went home and a little bit later my mom called me saying she found my dad dead, outside by the back door.  That was the same door my son was going to go.  I am so glad I was prompted to say no to him as it would have been so horrible for him to find his beloved papa dead.

My mom was in shock and when I got to her house, I started sobbing, begging her to never leave me.  I was three fourths an orphan (my mom's parents helped raise me)  now, and I hated it.  I didn't know what to think about it.  I felt so bad and I was in disbelief that he was gone, especially after seeing him that morning looking fantastic.  I called my aunt and she started crying.  I tried to get a hold of my one sister, but couldn't.  So I had to leave her a voicemail, and text, along with a Facebook message for her to call our mom.  I called my half brother and told him, he was upset as he was supposed to come down the next day to take our dad out to dinner.  Our dad was looking forward to it.

My dad's one brother in law came over that night and talked with us.  He was kind and I know my mom appreciated it so much.  When I went back over to my mom's after talking to my sister, we had to break the news to my son.  My mom told him that Papa isn't here anymore, and he looked at her confused.  So I had to tell him that Papa is in heaven, and he just looked at me, while holding onto to my mom.  Then we told him he died.  My son started to cry and said, "What did he do that for?"  He was so devastated as he was so close to my dad.  They were buddies and did everything together.  My poor little one had just lost his grandmother and now his papa.  Later that day, my mom started cleaning out her dishes and getting rid of things that were both hers and my dads.  I called my sister and told her what was going on, so she tried talking to my mom and all my mom said was that she didn't want them anymore.  I think it was her way of trying to deal with the death.

My other half sister was being a bitch to my mom, making demands and stuff.  So my sister took care of it and told the other one to not call my mom.  My one aunt called late in the afternoon and then no one called my mom until my other aunt called her Monday night.  It was so horrible.  I was so mad at them for not call my mom.  They should have been there and called her.  It was so sad.

The funeral arrangements weren't too bad, my brother wanted to be there to make them.  He wasn't that happy with the headstone we picked out.  My dad served in the Navy, so his stone was paid for my the veterans.  The stone was white with grey veins through it  It will have have his rank in the navy on it. 

Picking Out the Headstone

Monday, August 20, 2018
You always think that death won't bother you and that you will never be involved in the aftermath of death.  Sadly, you are mistaken as it will bother you and you will be involved in some degree.  It is just a part of life, and you really have no choice in the matter.

Six weeks went by before we could even think about getting a headstone ordered for her.  It was just so fresh and painful.  I still felt like I was walking around in some kind of daze and that life wasn't really happening.  That I would wake up and find my grandma waiting for me to bring her a fresh baked berry pie.

I can't find the word to describe all of the feelings that I went through in just six weeks.  A lot of it was hurt and anger.  I would just sob my days away, not wanting to do anything.  I just wanted to stay in bed, but I had a son to take care of, therefore I had to get out of bed.  I didn't have that choice.  I'm glad that I was able to be at home, and not worry about a job.  I do feel blessed with that.  My husband didn't know what to think or feel, he just gave me a lot of hugs.  It is all he really could do.  He couldn't understand what it was like, even though he had lost his grandmother a few years ago.  Everyone grieves differently and everyone handles their grief differently.  For me I was either angry at the world or a sobbing mess.

A couple weeks after my grandma died, my husband planned a surprise trip for us.  I came home from putting flowers on here grave, and he came running out. He started loading the jeep and told me to get last minute things I and our son would need.  I did, but I was nervous and anxious, as I didn't know where we were going and I didn't feel like going anywhere.  Come to find out he had planned a trip to the beach for me.  The ocean is my happy place and it make me feel so much better about life.  He took me to Redondo Beach, California.  It has a special meaning for me, as my grandparents would go there every year for their anniversary, before moving to another state.  I was so emotional as I was standing in the water, feeling the waves lap around my feet.  I must have stood there and cried for a good ten minutes.  We spent time there and when we left that special place I did cry more, though I promised myself I would come back.  I began my healing on that beach, and it will always hold special meaning to me.

On the 23rd of June, my mother and I went to pick out the headstone.  That was so hard to do.  I sat there crying as they lady was drawing it out on her computer. The others didn't want to come down and just told us to pick out a nice one.  So my mom and I picked out this really pretty orange stone, that glitters in the sun.  My little boy picked out the teddy bear that would go on the stone.   She loved teddy bears.  It was really pretty, and I know she would have liked it.

My Son's Birthday

Monday, August 13, 2018
My son's birthday was sad without my grandma.  She always looked forward to coming down to a bbq or pizza to celebrate my son's birthday.  She also loved the cake that I would make for him.  It was a family affair and always so much fun.

His birthday was a month and two days after my grandma passed away.  It was a somber event, and I felt so bad for my little man.  We had ordered pizza, and my mom had the table set.  It was sad when he asked where grandma was.  I had to remind him that she wasn't coming and he got super frustrated.  Even though he just turned eight, it was so hard on him to understand that she was here one day and then literally the next she was gone.

We got through dinner and when it was time for cake, my son was sad.  He always sat by grandma and would describe the scene on his cake for her.  It was always so cute to watch.  This year she wasn't there for him to describe his dinosaur cake.  He tried so hard to hold back his tears.

I told my son that we had a special present for him, and he got all excited.  I presented him from a gift that was from grandma.  He was confused, as she wasn't there.  I explained to him that during our last visit with her, we had discussed his birthday and she had asked me to pick it up for her.  So I picked up the Jurassic Park Trilogy for him from her.  He had tears in his eyes and said that he would always treasure the gift.  It truly was a bittersweet moment.

First Mother's Day

Monday, August 6, 2018
The first Mother's Day without my grandma was very hard, and emotional.  She died Thursday and Mother's Day was that Sunday, so she had only been gone for three days.  She always came down to my parents the day before and we would have a bbq and give her presents.  Then I would always call her the next day to wish her a happy Mother's Day.  It was a special routine, and for the first time in my life it was gone.  I just didn't know how to handle it and I spent most of the day in tears.

I called my mom first to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, and I couldn't get a hold of her.  I tried her cell phone and her home phone.  No one answered  I had a complete melt down and started to panic.  After a while I finally got a hold of her, and I was in tears. She felt bad, but she was on the phone with someone else.  It is so crazy how grief can do that to a person.

Out of habit I picked up my phone and I called my grandma as well.  The phone just rang and rang.  I was getting so mad that she wasn't answering.  I don't know what I really expected.  I knew she was gone, but there was this glimmer of hope that she would answer the phone and all would be right in my world.  She never answered the phone and I just ended up in tears.

It is hard to go through a holiday right after you have lost a loved one.  It just isn't the same, and you are in such a state of disbelief that you are not even sure you are awake or dreaming.